My husband is Bi-polar and is on medication and has support through the VA hospital, but sometimes I don't think the medicine helps much. How do some of you handle the bi-polar rages or do any of you put up with this from your bi-polar partner?God Bless :)

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Reply from Indigo

I wanted to tell you that I had bouts of anger myself and that they always came when I was trying to do too much, wanted too much or expected too much. It is common with people that are Bipolar...should you put up with it??? Hmmm, I am not a doctor or a therapist so can only give you my opinion. I am the author of The Wave Riders and I was raised with an angry bipolar mother. I, myself have been bipolar for most of my life. I am not surprised that the medication does not appear to be working as it takes a long time sometimes to find the right one and even then we need a combination of therapy or thought changes. I will still get angry if I take on too many projects, eventually become overwhelmed and will lash out...this tells me that I am no longer balanced. When I balance my activities - I no longer get angry. I believe that we get most angry at those we love because ...we can get away with it and because we are around them more and perhaps cannot hold in our bad mood. We feel bad that we are not all that we should be and sometimes lash out because being with our loved ones makes us see what we don't like in ourselves. That does not excuse the anger. When does he get angry??? When he is overwhelmed? Tired? Anger is almost always, some form of fear or feeling victimized. Sometimes anger is rewarded when people give in or treat us special because they fear the anger....so perhaps try not to reward the anger. My daughter learned the hard way. When I am at that point where I can hear myself but I cannot make my mouth shut up....she leaves the room...and says we will talk when things settle down... once she is out of the area I can usually calm myself down. This is not the best solution though...the solution is in the prevention and for me that means not doing too much. I think if you believe you are safe in doing so and that he will not become violent that it is good (once he is calm) to let him know that the anger is unacceptable and that he needs to see about adjusting his medication and perhaps his lifestyle.
Take care
Indigo Irwin Kennedy
Author: The Wave Riders
http://www.thewaveriders.com

I have been married for 8 years to a bi-polar and we just found out about 1 year ago. Before that things were always rocky. Now that we know why I can look back and see that I did a lot of things wrong that I wouldn't of done if we had only knew. To those of you at the edge of your rope find someway to breakfree for awhile. Find an outlet and learn all you can about your spouse and their disorder. Because in the end they need your love. Don't let them drive you away now that you know about what their going through. I realized to late. My husband of 8 years and best friend of 21 years is gone. He doesn't want to hurt the family anymore, and he thinks he can do this on his own. Maybe he can feel better on his own because he doesn't feel the presures of life to perform. See for the years before, I questioned his every move, not understanding his motive or contadictions in actions and word. All I needed was time to understand, time to back off and give him the space he needed. Let him feel free and yet let him know he had the security of our love to come home to. But he didn't get that. I found out to late. Hold on to those feelings that drew you to marry this person in the first place. Because deep down they're probably still feeling it on their end. My husband can't find his feeling right now. But now that I have lost him I can see that even with the waves that we were riding, we riding them together. They need understanding, and we need support groups that understand what we are feeling. Because if we tell them, they get pushed away and they feel responsible and frustrated. I would give anything to ride the next wave with a new found understanding, then live another day without him. I will continue to check this site for any response from those that read and have bi-polar and those that love them.

Sincerly, SB God Bless:
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Dear G,
This talk group that you have really hits the right spots in my life. My husband has bi-polar, we just found this out last year.
Before my husband could not even hold down a job, I worked 2 jobs just to make ends meet and to survive. I work at a mental health
facility, and our therapist has helped him alot. What do you do when one minute their nice as can be then the next minute they are talking to you like a dog and downing you. Then it becomes a big argument and you dont even know what you did. My husband thinks that everything revolves around only him. I tell him that they are 4 more people in this family besides him. I feel like leaving sometimes but then I dont want to up root my kids life. I am a very happy person, everybody says that I would help anybody in need, no matter what the cost was.My husband will not help me hardly with our little girl who is 20 months old. He will take care of the boys because their 8 and 10 years old. If I go to the grocery store I have to take her with me all the time. I work 2 jobs part time plus go to college full time. I just now started a new job within the same company. I take my lunch break and come home and cook, so my husband will eat before he goes to work.
My husband got a good job, he hasn't missed any work, I just hope he keeps this one. What would you suggest I should do and cope with my husbands bi-polar, This is just about got the best of my nerves. I am only 30 years old, my feelings get hurt real bad, and I am too good to him, for him to treat me like that. His mother said I do too much for him. Help me.

Thanks,
need help in Kentucky
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Hi Kentucky

Well to get things started I found out the hard way that you can help to much (like your Mom said) people with bi-polar seem to be able to suck you dry when it comes to being help (doing every thing for them). You have to
tried to help in a way that they have to do things for themself. If you do eveything for them you will wear yourself out and in the long run it does not help them at all, I think it even will drive them down further, they feel that they are not able to do the things that they did before. You have to learn to say no, in a nice way. Remember when you are having an argument
about something that seems so small, it's the bi-polar you are most likely talking to. It,s not the man you love. As hard as it is, if we love the one we are with we have to learn as much if not more. Read your mate moods before they come out. You can tell in the way they walk, talk, there body laguage hours and some times days before they know it is coming on. I too am a happy person and try as hard as I can not to be draged down with the moods. With help from mental health pros. and from sites like this you find it will get easier. Learn all you can read all you can, but remember one thing take only what you think you need from all thing information you get. I teach at a collage for electrcians, I have goldens rule for the guys I
teach and one of them is ( No one man knows eveything). I hope that will help you in some way and if you wish to chat just post a note and I will right back.

G

How do you get your spouse to go to the hospital? My husband is bi polar and he recently left his job keeps spending and I was a stay at home mom he is severely deppressed and I do not know what to do
with him anymore. I know what you mean. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this life (H)

Dear G,

It can be difficult to stay at the side of a wave rider when we are either running off chasing our next great idea or so down in the dumps that we cannot move. Please understand that often, though not right, we will choose to lash out at those we love the most. Usually, it has very little to do with the person that we are angry at. We are usually angry at ourselves for getting into too many things and not being able to keep them going. We get angry because we cannot stay on the "up" wave. When we learn to moderate our waves and design our lives from a mid-wave view we begin to also become better people and usually much nicer to those around us. When you are very close to someone you are sometimes that last person that will be able to help. You will only be able to help if you have set up something (like trigger words) prior to any swing in mood. Usually what we need most is space without judgement. It is always best to talk to us about serious matters when we are in the mid-wave as we will be too optimistic on the high wave and too pessimistic during the low wave. The real us lies in the middle.

Good luck with the discussion. I hope you get lots of replies.
Take care
Indigo

Dear Zemira
I think that if you a living witha person that has bi-polar you must learn to ride the wave just like the person who has bi-polar. It is easy to leave when it gets rocky but it is easyer to stay together when the going is smooth. My saying at one time was, life is a bowl of cherrys with a pit here and there. Now the saying is live is a bowl of cherrys with a hand full of pits. Now saying that I am not saying that am going to leave but a did and still have to learn how to ride the wave or how to get around the pits. I hope that you can find some one to ride your waves with.
G

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Dear G,

I think the trick is to work out if you're talking to the illness or the person. I still haven't managed to do it yet. I'm not sure if we're rowing because we're having a row, or if it's because we're going through another cycle. Personally I try my hardest not to let the illness come between us by almost ignoring it. If my fiancé starts to get unreasonably annoyed with me then I will not let that get to me. But then you're in a quandary. Are you trying to ignore the anger because it's a mood swing, or because she's right and you are not ready to acknowledge you're in the wrong. I don't know. Let me know if you do.

Yours, TA
Send a Reply to TA.

Dear G
It is exhausting, walking on these eggshells. How do you do it?

I am known to be a happy, generous, optimistic person by those in our community, family, etc, but I have to confess that, on the inside, I am both depressed and afraid. I find that I can never make long term plans of any sort, as the decisions jointly made will most certainly be unmade. I can't invite people for dinner next Saturday, because my husbands mood will have changed by then. Our finances are in a terrible shambles despite the fact that he makes a good deal of money, and my anxiety levels are, though subdued, over the top.

How do you cope? I am 42 and have been married 20 years. I married so young that I have never really led my own life- job, house, kids, etc.- and question whether I could really manage on my own. Counsellors and family members, including my daughter, have encouraged me to leave many times.

Do you ever feel like your life is so filled with caring for the glaring needs of your wife -including trying to stave off impending swings toward mania or depression or cleaning up the aftermath- that there is little room for you to live your OWN life? I have utterly forgotten what my hopes and dreams used to be. Now I just hope that he doesn't quit his job again and that we stave off bankruptcy.

Sorry to sound so glum. It's an old question that I have never been able to ask of someone who has been there. : ) C Send a Reply to C.

To C, I honestly know what you are going through and wish I had some great advice but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have been married 13 years to a man diagnosed bi-polar 4 years ago. He was on meds for a while but decided to try it with out them. For the most part through counseling he controls himself but there are still those times especially when alcohol is involved. I think the worst thing is that although he is better than he was the first 9 years of marriage, I have a hard time letting go of the memories of abuse....physical, psychological, emotional. I have ridden this roller coaster for so many years, and I am tired. This last year I decided to finally get myself together, figure out my goals and it took pulling away from him a little because he did not like that I was changing. He wanted to control me. I am glad I have taken the direction I needed to but no matter how much I prepare for the next big dip in the roller coaster, I am not ready for it. This last time it happened a few days ago, on my birthday. I think what scared me the most is that I didn't get angry, hurt or even cry. I am just tired and done. I love this man so much and he is for the most part a great husband and father but the bad times are overwhelming and they cloud the good times. My kids are riding this roller coaster too and like you my oldest daughter is mad that I did not leave him a long time ago. That is the hardest to deal with. I am not sure what to do. I am not going to make any decisions right now but when it gets to ambivalence I think something needs to be done. I love him but whether it is his fault or not, I can't live with this "other person" anymore. I hope that you will try to get out and find some things that interest you and think of yourself as well as your family. Mental illness is a disease and it affects everyone around it and you find yourself depressed too and "walking on egg shells". I lived with a brother with bi-polar and I remember the feeling of anxiety in the house. He killed himself when I was 16 and I have been on this "savior" kick ever since. Trying to "save" everyone, including my husband. I told him this last time that he needed to decide if he wanted this to be his life and that he needed to do it for himself not for us and that he needed to make the effort because I am too tired to keep being the crutch. I hope things get better with you and that you are able to find something outside of your husband that makes you happy and gives you purpose and strength to make it through the ups and downs that living with him brings. If anyone knows of medication that works without being too sedating please post about it. He was on depakote but it was terrible for him and sucked the life out of him. TMC Send a Reply to TMC.

HI C Iam having a real hard time replying to your letter. Not that I dont have anything to say but rather on how to say it. I come from a back groung that I think lets me handle things in a way that others cant. Iam a widower 2 times over (please dont say sorry) and I think that lets me deal with my wife's bi-polar. My frist wife died after a long illness with many ups and down not unlike my wife now. I have always said this to people when you lose someone to in death that there is no one to talk too,smile with laugh with, hold hands with, or even yell at. So the way I look at it is that no matter how low or how high she gets she is still there to do all these thing with. As for having your own life we make what we can of are that we are given and have taken. In other words take the time that others give to you for yourself, and dont forget to take time for yourself. Always look on the bright side of life. Always try to smile from your heart as well as your face. And what ever you do try not to let your other half bring you into there mood. My wife like T.V. shows that are murder mystery and very in-depth. Mine is comedy I always try to giggle and smile on the inside and outside. I hope that this helps you in some way. As for leaving that is something that you and only you can tell if it best for you. No matter what people say, no matter who they are, you are the only one who can say what is best for you. Oh by the way I just saw the happy face : ) I like it. G Send a Reply to G.

HI C My situation is that I have a wonderful husband whom everyone immediately likes when they meet him. He gives me anything that I could possibly want, works very hard to give me a very comfortable life. He has a very funny sense of humor and can make you laugh until you hurt! He wines and dines me, and tells me all the time how much he loves me and that he thinks that I am the most beautiful woman in the world! Sounds great doesn't it! However.....one little thing can upset him (it doesn't even have to do with me or anything I've done), and for about 2 days, (3 if it's severe) I can't do anything right: I'm a terrible lover, housekeeper, decision-maker, unappreciative, selfish wife....and to top all of that off, he's very jealous of my friends and family ,of which, none even want to come around anymore. Everyone is generally shocked at how his disposition can change over something that see ms so petty, but to him...the worst thing in the world just happened to him! He doesn't shut up with his hideous remarks until I am completely crushed, crying and sick to my stomach! Generally the next day, I have diarrhea and my insides shake for a couple of days. Then after he's cooled off...the apologies and begging for forgiveness starts. He says that he doesn't know what makes him say the horrible things that he says to me, and that he knows that God sent me to him and that he doesn't know what he'd do if he ever lost me .He keeps asking me do I still love him and can I ever forgive him. I reassure him that, indeed I do love him and that , yes, what he says hurts me to the core and NO...what he says and how he acts is very wrong! Do I want to leave him? In the heat of the moment...Yes! ...Then after I cool off and regain my composer, I realize that this man really does love me and that he does have a serious problem .Then I pick up the pieces of my broken world and try putting it back together! How long can I continue this way? .. As long as I have energy to ride the wave! Your not alone, M Send a Reply to M. Dear M, Thank you M for sharing. I think I understand what is going on a bit in his mind. When the up wave comes the world is beautiful, we laugh, think fast, can do more - we think we are "on" ... but actually we are "up" (and into positive delusion - the world is really not as wonderful as we are seeing it- nor are we) and burning "rocket fuel" ( I believe is similar to self-injected adrenaline placing us on the "fight" or "flight")..... the rocket fuel burns "brighter" and more intense and quickly we burn out. When that happens we don't usually travel to the mid-wave and instead head all the way into depression (even a mild depression will change your view) now we are looking at the world, our relationships and ourselves in a totally different way.... the negative delusion takes over. Now, we focus on everything that is wrong. If you watch for the turn in his mood next time...watch for this pattern. 1. A time of intense mood....extra jovial, high energy...or working lots, finishing lots of projects. 2. Starts to get a bit tired. (in his mind does not know why he cannot stay "on") 3. Begins to lash out, pulls away from people, may get paranoid, angry. 4. After time and some rest begins to pull up again...and may go too jovial again. As he ages he may become more sensitive to the up energy and may begin to come down more. I am not a doctor but I understand what you have described because you are describing pretty close to who I was. I was an overachiever that loves to make people laugh...etc. etc. He is not lashing out at you by the way...he is mad at himself for not being able to stay "up". The problem is he likely thinks (and so do you at the moment) that the "up" him is the good him...but it is that "up" him that is very likely causing the "other" him. The Wave Riders theory is that if he can be jovial, intelligent, creative...from the middle wave (not too up) and practice maintaining that middle....then the down him will not appear and he will have greater confidence and control over his emotions and his life. The focus on the minor thing is all part of being bi-polar (and over sensitive to critism). We can learn to not focus but if we don't know that is what we need to do then it can be very difficult. The jealous thing may or may not be part of being bipolar. It might be because the lack of control over his emotions makes him feel insecure or it may also be that once down on the lower end of the wave we can become paranoid if we are not careful...this can be as mild as believing that people are laughing at us to very major fears. Part of it is because we are feeling badly about who we are at this time....or the jealousy may be much deeper for him from something else in his life. You want to find and love the middle him and he may need to do the same. Medication (like Lithium - a salt based medication that helps maintain the balance) may help him as well. Antidepressants alone may send him too far up into a manic state so be careful there. I would definitely see if he will work with his doctor to improve - because you don't want to be living this way. You love him and that is great....he has someone to help him, love him and support him. When he is slightly up (not too high or he will not want to listen) and not too low. Suggest to him that it is his creativity and his intelligence that may be pushing around his emotions and that there may be ways to take back his power. Let him know as well that he is amongst some great people, writers, artists, politicians and CEO's of multi-million dollar corporations. The book could help both of you to understand in a different way than most people are looking at this...also the free newsletters, articles and assignments on the site could help as well. http://www.thewaveriders.com/newsletter.html Take care Indigo Reply to Indigo re: comment to M Repy to M hi M i feel like you are my mirror. i am sitting here in the dark crying right now because i am in the midst of a very low day for my husband. he is angry with me for something very small. He can't handle little things going wrong and he exagerates everything. What is upsetting is that he can't see that they are little things. we've been together for eight years -married for over two. he did zoloft and at first i thought it was a miracle drug but then from him stopping and starting he got worse. much much worse. so he's stopped taking it. he's been off for awhile. I've enjoyed a small time of peace for the last few weeks mainly because my pastor has been praying for me. one night a few months ago the flood gates broke and i spilled all my dirty little secrets to my pastor and his wife. and it felt good so damn good that someone knew what i was going thru. it's scary the highs and lows. when he's riding a high wave i wonder how i could've ever doubted him and our feelings for eachother but it only takes a small nothing to turn a beautiful day or moment into a crash and burn. i get my hope for the future from Jesus - he's helped me tremendously. i want u to know you're not alone - i guess really it's what i needed to know. (J) Reply

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