You and I have made mistakes. We have made some big ones and we have made some little ones. Other people have made mistakes and sometimes we have suffered for their errors.

I have managed for my own preservation to forgive others and myself for the mistakes of the past and I have grown, or so I thought. I caught myself carrying the side effects of past decisions toward my future. I have created a complicated world based on my own self-doubt, and fear of making yet another mistake. While I have forgiven, I have not forgotten. I am a child in God's eyes. I know, that I was designed to live as a child in this world. We encourage our children to taste, and to explore and to try the world on for size. We as adults also know that if our children will not explore, they will not grow, and they will cease to learn. They will no longer shout the joy of joys at their discoveries and their spirit will fall sadly asleep. As a child I knew how to explore and I did that very well. What I forgot to master was how to learn from a mistake instead of taking the mistake as a personal failure or flaw.

After years of focusing on my failures and beating myself up for my flaws, I have created a world too scary to explore and a world too dangerous to wander through. And so, my spirit sleeps. I have taken to repenting for past errors and reliving them daily, over and over. I analyze every choice from the simplest task to the more complex each step of the way, unsure that I am going in the right direction. I do most of these fear-based actions without even seeing or acknowledging that I am criticizing my decisions and I do not notice, that I am reacting out of fear.

Let me give you an example based on hand cream, though it could have easily been a new job or a new path that I had to choose. I realized one day that every morning after washing my hands, I applied a hand cream that was so thick and so greasy that it felt as though I was wearing gloves. The scent of it reminded me of lard from the fridge and the whole day I would smell this greasy scent - and without being aware of it, each sniff reinforced a self-judgment that I did not deserve better.

I continued to use it for one reason. I had it and I could not waste it - not when money appeared to be so scarce. The price I paid was heavy. Each morning I paid when I validated that I did not deserve a finer scent, and that I must live with what I have. Each day I paid when I began the day with a small displeasure, a small stab at self-worth. Though hand cream may seem insignificant, I realized that the more I continued using this cream the more it represented my attitude that I carried with me each day while I was making life altering decisions. I was subconsciously terrified of spending money on self-pleasure, especially if my decision could be wrong. " Perhaps the new cream won't be any better. Perhaps it will be money in the garbage and I will be no better off than I was before. What if I REGRET, the chance I took?" Immediately, I decided that this had to stop.

I had to remove this cream from what I was now referring to as my Sacred Space, the space, in which I live - the space in which I work and I play. I had decided I would remove the horrid cream from my life but I could not just throw it away and I could not sell a tub of partially used cream. On the very day that I had made my decision to give away the cream, I happened to be having a garage sale. A women suffering from a skin condition had decide to buy some white film handling gloves that I was selling. She began to tell me about her hands and about how she must use a thick cream on them and keep them in gloves as much as possible. I was standing in almost disbelief as she gladly accepted and was happy to receive the cream that I saw as so awful. I gained a sense of joy from the gift I shared and in the end wasted nothing. We are a generation that has been taught not to waste, from parents who suffered through the days of the great depression. We are taught "Save the Environment", "use everything", from well meaning environmentalists.

These messages are all good messages that should be followed unless, we find one day, our protection of the environment and our fear of waste begins to pollute our immediate surroundings, our sense of sight, our sense of smell, and our Sacred Space. We cling to things because we fear that someday we may need these things, and will regret our decision to recycle them, throw them away or give them away. And fear that somehow we do not appreciate what we have if we do not keep these things. The cream now represented the "good enough" and the removing of the cream from my life now created a void on my shelf and an instant need for new cream. Now was the time to improve, to bring "better" into my life.

Now was the time to make a decision, take a risk, and try something new. Now, fortunately, I had been given the original cream, and therefore in my mind could not be held responsible for it not working out. I had now clearly made the decision to replace it with something that would honour my surroundings and something that would thrill my sense of smell and touch and brighten the start of each new day.

What a responsibility I now had! Now, I had to choose. Now, It had better be right. I could not justify buying a bunch of product to test, so I started asking friends if I could try theirs. This helped with the fear of wasting money while I began the experiment. I was amazed at how many people were ready to tell me which product I MUST use and how many friends became somewhat insulted because theirs was not the choice for me. I simply explained that I was on a personal journey and that this cream must awaken the emotions that I desire and thanked them for their input.
I raced through stores sampling everything, until I could not smell any particular scent. I had to brush off the guilt of not giving the salesperson my business as I walked out of the store. I frowned, all that effort and wasted time and I had still not found the cream I wanted to buy. Suddenly, it dawned on me. I had taken on the undaunted task of finding the ultimate cream, perfection beyond a doubt. By trying to find perfection on the first try out the door I had stood terrified and frustrated and I had stared at the wall of choices I faced and I had froze.
My God, I thought. If I pick one and it is the wrong one I may regret spending the money and wasting the time. In loud statements to my friends, I had advertised my search and now those friends were waiting for results. The pressure was squeezing down on my shoulders; the sales woman was looking at me as if I was some insane lunatic. With my head hung low and my eyes on my feet I headed for the door. - Empty handed and defeated.

I had confirmed my worst fears. It had gone too far. My injuries were so deep that I had become incapable of making a GOOD decision, especially if the possibility of wasting money was involved. I was not willing to make a mistake. I was not willing to face the public humiliation and I wanted no one to stare at me.

This scenario might seem unrealistic but it actually happened to me after many blows and many perceived failures. This subconscious lack of self-confidence had crept up slowly without warning. I wondered, was this type of thinking what had placed me in the world that now existed around me? Was I willing to accept "good enough" in every aspect of my life if it meant not taking a risk; not making a mistake? I stopped in my tracks, turned and headed back I would face down the fear and get beyond this. I smiled at the cosmetic attendant and picked up the last cream I had thought smelt pretty. "Close enough" I said, "I'll try it!" Proud as could be I strutted myself right over to my friends place and announced that I had found it! Not the ultimate, not the forever choice but something I wanted to try. I felt the joy of a new experience permeate my body and cared little whether my friend liked it or not.
I had decided, after trying the cream for a while, that my choice of cream had been a good one. Each morning I stopped to enjoy the feel and the scent of "Sunflower". I enjoyed the look of the bottle in my bathroom with it's delicate yellow flowers and decided it was worthy of being in my Sacred Space, I decided that I should begin to take this re-born sense of exploration into other aspects of my world. I had now added a successful choice to my armouries in the war against fear-based decision-making. I found, however, that the battle to sabotage my new found enjoyment continued on.
I started to hear myself say - "What if I run out of this cream and I cannot find it again?", " What if I paid too much?", "What if I use it too fast and waste my money?"

Now if you have any common sense, I am sure that you would agree that a few pennies spent to make yourself feel better about yourself and brighten your day is not wasted money. It is an investment. It is an investment in you, and in the energy found in the small pleasure it gives you. It has been well documented that small pleasures can make you more capable of handling the challenges of daily living.
This common sense however, seemed wasted on me. I had developed a horrid habit of turning pleasure into pain. The fact is, that this fear of making an error in my choices had stifled the innocent exploration of choices in many areas of my life. It affected my self-worth, my outlook, and my ability to try a new way when the old way no longer works. The fear of making the wrong choice has prevented me from experiencing new relationships, new careers, new lifestyles and new outlooks.
This stifled part of me was a part of me that I would change, a little at a time. I began taking small risks, small steps, and always I tried to do it with a sense of joy not a sense of dread. It takes many perceived bad experiences over a length of time to have this fear of making bad choices develop in you. If you have been relatively uninjured emotionally and physically during your life you may not get to experience this lesson and grow from the knowledge of its solutions.
If you cannot relate to this scenario, I ask, that you have some compassion for those of us, who are near to you, who cannot see the fear that permeates our surroundings and sets our souls to sleep.
Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you today!
Indigo Irwin Kennedy